留学书信-研究生院申请文章—兽医

’s left. I want cases of animal abuse treated as the serious crimes they are. I want us to acknowledge our kinship with animals and to stop treating them as objects to use and discard as our whims dictate. I believe that one person can make a difference and through this program could help me accomplish many of my goals.

Our world is spiraling out of control. Were losing species of plants and animals forever before we even knew they existed. Today my friends ask me how I go on caring so much about so many issues? The real question is how can we go on not caring?


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Critique

Dear XXX,

The essay is colorful and comprehensive -- I am impressed by your ability to enumerate your qualifications for the program while rendering the essay clear and easy to read (almost story-like). The text did have a few weak points: here and there the grammar and phrasing were awkward; a couple of transitional passages were too abrupt or missing; and the conclusion was a bit too abstract.

In your note you mention you are looking for a title; this is highly unnecessary in an application essay. If you are going to print out the page on a separate sheet of paper, simply include the question in italics at the top and then follow with the text.

The word count right now is 920; some of the corrections required expansion of the text, so unless something else comes up that you feel you absolutely must include, don''t worry about "filling it in" to meet the exact word count. I did note a few points where you might want to add information to make the passages more concrete (more on this later).

I have made notes on the more substantial changes and suggestions and will write them out here below, point by point.

As for the minor changes, we concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most vivid and interesting ideas, and making the logic of your ideas stand out clearer. We rephrased passages that contained slightly awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and interesting.

1. RE: INTRODUCTION. I transformed two of the questions into a statement, because there were too many questions in a row and that made the rhythm uninteresting. By varying sentence structure, you still have an opening that is compelling and vivid yet doesn''t bog the reader down in a swamp of interrogatives.

2. RE: THE SENTENCE "Though I’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian, my newfound concern for animal issues and the environment were pulling me in another direction." I altered this section because, although you were right in trying to tie the two paragraphs together with a transitional sentence, the logic wasn''t terribly clear. Your activism, after all, is very much *complementary* to your vegetarianism. I rephrased the passage so as to maintain the transitional quality of the sentence while highlighting the positive (i.e. complementary) aspect of the two activities.

3. RE: GRADUATE COURSES. This is something you might add in a word or two. What were the graduate courses in? Agriculture? It''s best to make clear that the courses themselves weren''t in the same field you hope to study at Tufts -- because you state you were uninspired by them. So make sure you eliminate any suspicion the reader might have by including the subject of those courses.

4. RE: YEAR OFF WORK EXPERIENCE. Here is something else you might also add in a word or two. Where did you work during your year off? I thought it was perhaps the SPCA, but that came so early on in the piece that it''s very unclear what you did during your year off. State that clearly, especially if it''s animal-related.

5. RE: MISSING TRANSITION: You needed a transition between stuff on farming and your decision to become a vegetarian, because the change of topic there seemed abrupt. I rephrased it to make the transition smoother.

6. RE: VET MEDICINE: Do you plan to pursue vet medicine after you finish the program? That''s what I assumed, but if it''s not, make sure your intent reads clearly.

7. RE: CONCLUSION: Along the same line, the one line of argument that seemed to be missing was the connection between veterinary science and policy. Apart from the obvious fact that through both activities you would be helping animals, it wasn''t very clear from the original essay how you planned to eventually combine these two educations. I addressed this by connecting the two with the following sentence:

"By understanding and shaping animal welfare policy, I believe that I will be able to leverage my knowledge of veterinary medi

cine to make a powerful case in defense of animal right

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