英语小幽默-2

My Father's Ashes

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it. She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray(烟灰缸)." (note: "ashes" has two meanings 1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding the burned dead body.)

I Drop my Weight From Skipping

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds.  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)

Now We Run

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a  very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across  the street.  However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high  for him to reach.  After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest  moves closer to the boy's position.  He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the  little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's  shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.   Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles  benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"  To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" 

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A  woman is driving down the same road.  As they pass each  other, the woman leans out of the  window and yells "PIG!!"  The man immediately leans out of his window and replies,  "WITCH(女巫)!!"   They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds  the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of  the road. If only men would listen.

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